So, What Does A Single Girl Do Now?

This is my first time on the widow side of the world. 

I've been asked if I'll get married again. Am I ready to date? Would I consider it? What's my type? Do I have one?  How old is too old? How young is too young? (As if I'm shopping for a new head of cattle)

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a month after he passed. 

I was married to a man who never loved me. Think that over. Never.  He never loved me for one minute of one day. Would I like to have love? Would I like to know what love is? Of course I would. 

However, (here it comes) My kids are watching. Always watching. They will learn more, by far, when watching me than by any other means. Do I want to go out on dates? It's something I already had an answer to before Andrew died, in reality. You see, I had already been teaching my kids that dating isn't something one does. It  just isn't. Dating is a game. Dating becomes a habit of giving your heart out to multiple people to see who is going to treat it the best. Really? Is this what I want for my kids? Pieces of them all over the place? 

So no, the dating scene is something I had resolved to not join.  Oh,  but life is so much easier lived out in our heads! Imaginings are always and only the things that end up perfectly as we want.

I did meet someone. He quoted Monty Python and Elf. He made me laugh. He liked Sci-fi. He wanted to build a cob house. He composted worms in his kitchen! He seemed the perfect match.....and one day he met my kids. They liked him. He took them bowling. He told me many times of how great I am and wonderful and funny. He spoke of marriage. 

And then, the day came when he sent me the text. He broke it  all off.  In.  A. Text.  Come on! Any 7th grade boy knows not to  break up over a text?!? So we met and I got to listen to the best "It's not you, it's me" speech ever made.  Ready for this? "I don't think God wants us together." Wow- way to shift blame there, buddy.

After that,  I was left alone to face my kids and tell them- yet again- why a man was going to leave them.  I was left alone to deal with the mess I had made for them.  Read that one again, you single moms! If you date and let any man be a part of their lives, YOU ARE TO BLAME!  If the relationship ends well, you are to blame. If that man leaves you and the kids- you are to blame. Make no mistake, the kids will blame you... you are the only one there left to blame. 

 I spent a month at the very least,  crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then, I sat up, rubbed the blindness from my eyes, and brushed the stupidity from my mind, and started down a new parenting path. 

It occurred to me, if:

^{Romans 29:11} For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

¹² Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

¹³ And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

And:

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Then there is absolutely no reason for me to go out shopping to seek some man when God knows not only my heart, but  also my needs.    God is not only the author and finisher of my faith, but he is my creator. He loves me more than any man ever could. He knows my heart and it's wishes more thoroughly  than even I know them myself. 

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1Peter 5:7

So I turned to the Lord. I sold my old wedding ring and starting wearing a silver band in it's place.  

I read  recently, that women need to say 15,000 words in a day. Regardless of the truth of this statement, I do know we like to talk to our men. Well, what an amazing thing! My man just so happens to be God now! 

Deut. 27:19
Paslm 68:5
Pslam 146:9
Proverbs 15:25

So, my days have become increasingly more full of my Creator. I am able to talk with him as I would any friend. And, as with any relationship, it grows with work and commitment. As I grow closer to Him, I am becoming more bold in voicing my desires for life. 

Am I wanting to meet someone again? Am I wanting to get married? Yes and No. After the passing of DOMA, I will state that I will never again legally marry. Having said that, if my ideal were to walk up to me one day and ask to get to know me... if my ideal were to ask to be my friend and consistently be aware of the responsibility I have to my children.... if my ideal man would happen to quote Monty Python and be a Trekkie... if my ideal man would happen to understand not only the gift that children are, but also the importance of raising them to love Christ... if my ideal were to share with me, and the rest of the world ,his love of God.... if Mr. Ideal liked to pull pranks to make me laugh ...if he shared my quirky sense of humor.... if he were to ask..... I'd share everything with him and consider myself the only lucky girl in all the world. 

However, until Mr. Ideal comes along,   I will and can be content to be me, and me alone and me happily single.