Loss

As the 7yo came to me today, with tears in his eyes, I thought I knew what he was going to say. Being only 6 when his father died, he has been having a difficult time coming to grips with feelings too mature for him.  He doesn't cry very often or for very long. He has only had one day where he wept openly.

I feel helpless. How do I assist this small man to deal with things most adults can not grasp? What do I say? Most days I feel like a robot. My usual mantra goes something like this, "It's normal to miss your Daddy. I want you to miss him. You will always love him and I want you to."

But this afternoon was different. Somehow, this small man has begun to quietly wrestle with eternity and the ramifications of knowing your Redeemer. Today, the 7yo had a list for me.

(To clarify, my mother had a stroke a few weeks prior to Easter. My Sister told my children and I that we "deserved what we got" and some other nastiness resulting in "I don't want you in my life.")

                                                          His List

"Mom, I miss Nana.  I miss walking into her house and having her there. I miss going to the zoo with her. And I miss my Cousin. He was my best friend. I miss going to his home.  Do you miss your sister? Why doesn't she want to see us? And I miss Pawpaw. We never see him anymore. Mom, I miss Dad. Is he in heaven? And I wish I could see him again. And why don't we live in Virginia anymore, Mom? I miss our old house. And our old friends. "
He continue to list all that he has lost in a years' time. And I stood, helpless. Helpless and amazed at all my kids have lost.

We don't want it back, that life we once led. Beyond the occasional day like today, we don't miss the monster who once ruled our lives. But we all miss the dream. We all miss the wanting of a better life.

I want to give them a better world. A world without hurt or meanness, or wrong doings. A world without sin.  It isn't in my power to give. I can give strength and teach them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I can teach them to be firm in a wavering world. I can teach them that we don't quit, no matter how badly we want to. There are some days when life is too much, those days we spend in bed. It's OK. Spend that one day in bed, then get back up the next.

I can teach them.

But I can't take away their longing for something more. I'm raising 3 boys into men of honor, and I'm doing it on my own. They have no father who walks through the door at 5 each night.  No father with whom to wrestle. No father, yet that's better than what they had.

Some days, life is just a list of Loss.