August and Everything After

Elated.
Happy.
On the floor crying.
Freedom.
Flying on winds of joy.
Sadness.
Loss.
Anger.
Fear.
Alone.

August has been all of these and so much more and so much less.

I can't keep my thoughts on track for long enough to get any of them documented.

So here we are, my kids and I, at the end of a year, the end of August. And we stand stronger and better than ever we have before. This has been a month full of too many fences being over-trod by well meaning (and some not so) family and friends. This has been a month of building new boundaries and teaching ourselves to stand strong by them until they are well established.

August came with me standing, in my imagination, on a hill. There I stood, watching a storm of memories approach the horizon of my small, unsheltered family. I stood as the only protector for them.

I was overwhelmed.

I've been told too many times, "You're so strong."

It's a lie.

I'm not strong.  Only God is strong.  I am weak. I am breakable. I put on a smile. I laugh. I shake hands. "How do you do?" I stand, and it hurts. I put myself out there to meet people and be a part of life and the world. My insides boil and I want to crawl under a table. I smile with my mouth and weep on the inside.



I often wonder when I will begin to mark time by some other means.  One year.  One year and I wonder if anyone actually missed him or knew the occasion.  I have to admit,  this month has been a roller coaster of life.

~Church is 2 hrs away. That's 4 hrs on the road each Sunday. 

~ I've had to step away from being the sole assistant with my parents. (Anything that takes away from my relationship with my children should cause me more than a pause.)
~ I've been house hunting, and dream chasing.
~ I've made the mistake of making some things more important than my relationship with my children.

So a year came.
So a year went,
And another year has now begun.
A year in which we will further discover ourselves and who God has created us to become.