....And We Ran

A year ago today, He and I weren't speaking.

Not the usual "He's in the Dog House and we aren't on speaking terms" kind of not speaking. Nope. A year ago, He and I hadn't spoken in weeks. Not a word. Not a goodbye. Not a hello. No Goodnight. We would text only when I had to know when to pick him up from work. (He only ever let us have one vehicle.)

I drove him into town that morning in the dark. The sun was rising as I returned home to my sleeping children. It was a Thursday- a fact that would become our salvation. He had plans to visit with an old friend that Saturday. I had made other plans with the children so we wouldn't have to spend any extra time with him than necessary. Oh how I'd come to dread the weekends! On the weekends, he was home and we had to share the house. On the weekends, he would be around. I'd have to see him, move aside for him, cook for him, and obey him. Always the obedient me.

The day before, I'd written out an email to myself. Out of fear he might find it too early, I never saved it to my mac. I drove into town and printed it... hands sweaty...at the library.... so afraid someone would see what I was doing.  I took the letter and stashed it in the van, along with all the important papers I always took with me everywhere I ever went. (I never considered it abnormal to have all birth certificates, titles, insurance, everything with me all the time in case I had to leave- I'd done it for years.)


I dropped him off for  work. It was dark. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't smile. I left.

I remember spending my morning online.

                 Lunch time.

I walked outside with my girl, my only girl, my beautiful daughter, My Princess. We sat down on the porch bench for me to tell her about Mommy leaving Daddy. She talked instead. I arose with a monster of strength awakened inside of me. I held her face in my hands and made a promise,
                               "You will never spend another night with that asshole again."

There wasn't ever the whisper of doubt in my head. Always believe a child. Always. Within hours, I'd packed the kids and 3 days worth of clothes, emptied the bank accounts , and drove away from everything my kids had ever known.

Just.
Like.
That.

And our lives fell into a blender, and spun around, and fell to pieces, and got chopped up. Then someone turned that blender on full speed.  In the midst of that blender we stood, my children and myself, hands held tightly with each other. In the middle of life spinning around us, with no bottom under us, we stood united one with the other.
We lost it all.

One year ago today.

One year later and I have a love for life that I've never had before. I see relationships with a new light. I've lost everything and have gained everything. Losing everything was the best thing.

I'm looking forward to writing this post next year. Looking forward to seeing what good God does with our lives.

He played a good game, but we won.