August and Everything After

Elated.
Happy.
On the floor crying.
Freedom.
Flying on winds of joy.
Sadness.
Loss.
Anger.
Fear.
Alone.

August has been all of these and so much more and so much less.

I can't keep my thoughts on track for long enough to get any of them documented.

So here we are, my kids and I, at the end of a year, the end of August. And we stand stronger and better than ever we have before. This has been a month full of too many fences being over-trod by well meaning (and some not so) family and friends. This has been a month of building new boundaries and teaching ourselves to stand strong by them until they are well established.

August came with me standing, in my imagination, on a hill. There I stood, watching a storm of memories approach the horizon of my small, unsheltered family. I stood as the only protector for them.

I was overwhelmed.

I've been told too many times, "You're so strong."

It's a lie.

I'm not strong.  Only God is strong.  I am weak. I am breakable. I put on a smile. I laugh. I shake hands. "How do you do?" I stand, and it hurts. I put myself out there to meet people and be a part of life and the world. My insides boil and I want to crawl under a table. I smile with my mouth and weep on the inside.



I often wonder when I will begin to mark time by some other means.  One year.  One year and I wonder if anyone actually missed him or knew the occasion.  I have to admit,  this month has been a roller coaster of life.

~Church is 2 hrs away. That's 4 hrs on the road each Sunday. 

~ I've had to step away from being the sole assistant with my parents. (Anything that takes away from my relationship with my children should cause me more than a pause.)
~ I've been house hunting, and dream chasing.
~ I've made the mistake of making some things more important than my relationship with my children.

So a year came.
So a year went,
And another year has now begun.
A year in which we will further discover ourselves and who God has created us to become.

So, What Does A Single Girl Do Now?

This is my first time on the widow side of the world. 

I've been asked if I'll get married again. Am I ready to date? Would I consider it? What's my type? Do I have one?  How old is too old? How young is too young? (As if I'm shopping for a new head of cattle)

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a month after he passed. 

I was married to a man who never loved me. Think that over. Never.  He never loved me for one minute of one day. Would I like to have love? Would I like to know what love is? Of course I would. 

However, (here it comes) My kids are watching. Always watching. They will learn more, by far, when watching me than by any other means. Do I want to go out on dates? It's something I already had an answer to before Andrew died, in reality. You see, I had already been teaching my kids that dating isn't something one does. It  just isn't. Dating is a game. Dating becomes a habit of giving your heart out to multiple people to see who is going to treat it the best. Really? Is this what I want for my kids? Pieces of them all over the place? 

So no, the dating scene is something I had resolved to not join.  Oh,  but life is so much easier lived out in our heads! Imaginings are always and only the things that end up perfectly as we want.

I did meet someone. He quoted Monty Python and Elf. He made me laugh. He liked Sci-fi. He wanted to build a cob house. He composted worms in his kitchen! He seemed the perfect match.....and one day he met my kids. They liked him. He took them bowling. He told me many times of how great I am and wonderful and funny. He spoke of marriage. 

And then, the day came when he sent me the text. He broke it  all off.  In.  A. Text.  Come on! Any 7th grade boy knows not to  break up over a text?!? So we met and I got to listen to the best "It's not you, it's me" speech ever made.  Ready for this? "I don't think God wants us together." Wow- way to shift blame there, buddy.

After that,  I was left alone to face my kids and tell them- yet again- why a man was going to leave them.  I was left alone to deal with the mess I had made for them.  Read that one again, you single moms! If you date and let any man be a part of their lives, YOU ARE TO BLAME!  If the relationship ends well, you are to blame. If that man leaves you and the kids- you are to blame. Make no mistake, the kids will blame you... you are the only one there left to blame. 

 I spent a month at the very least,  crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then, I sat up, rubbed the blindness from my eyes, and brushed the stupidity from my mind, and started down a new parenting path. 

It occurred to me, if:

^{Romans 29:11} For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

¹² Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

¹³ And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

And:

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Then there is absolutely no reason for me to go out shopping to seek some man when God knows not only my heart, but  also my needs.    God is not only the author and finisher of my faith, but he is my creator. He loves me more than any man ever could. He knows my heart and it's wishes more thoroughly  than even I know them myself. 

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1Peter 5:7

So I turned to the Lord. I sold my old wedding ring and starting wearing a silver band in it's place.  

I read  recently, that women need to say 15,000 words in a day. Regardless of the truth of this statement, I do know we like to talk to our men. Well, what an amazing thing! My man just so happens to be God now! 

Deut. 27:19
Paslm 68:5
Pslam 146:9
Proverbs 15:25

So, my days have become increasingly more full of my Creator. I am able to talk with him as I would any friend. And, as with any relationship, it grows with work and commitment. As I grow closer to Him, I am becoming more bold in voicing my desires for life. 

Am I wanting to meet someone again? Am I wanting to get married? Yes and No. After the passing of DOMA, I will state that I will never again legally marry. Having said that, if my ideal were to walk up to me one day and ask to get to know me... if my ideal were to ask to be my friend and consistently be aware of the responsibility I have to my children.... if my ideal man would happen to quote Monty Python and be a Trekkie... if my ideal man would happen to understand not only the gift that children are, but also the importance of raising them to love Christ... if my ideal were to share with me, and the rest of the world ,his love of God.... if Mr. Ideal liked to pull pranks to make me laugh ...if he shared my quirky sense of humor.... if he were to ask..... I'd share everything with him and consider myself the only lucky girl in all the world. 

However, until Mr. Ideal comes along,   I will and can be content to be me, and me alone and me happily single.

....And We Ran

A year ago today, He and I weren't speaking.

Not the usual "He's in the Dog House and we aren't on speaking terms" kind of not speaking. Nope. A year ago, He and I hadn't spoken in weeks. Not a word. Not a goodbye. Not a hello. No Goodnight. We would text only when I had to know when to pick him up from work. (He only ever let us have one vehicle.)

I drove him into town that morning in the dark. The sun was rising as I returned home to my sleeping children. It was a Thursday- a fact that would become our salvation. He had plans to visit with an old friend that Saturday. I had made other plans with the children so we wouldn't have to spend any extra time with him than necessary. Oh how I'd come to dread the weekends! On the weekends, he was home and we had to share the house. On the weekends, he would be around. I'd have to see him, move aside for him, cook for him, and obey him. Always the obedient me.

The day before, I'd written out an email to myself. Out of fear he might find it too early, I never saved it to my mac. I drove into town and printed it... hands sweaty...at the library.... so afraid someone would see what I was doing.  I took the letter and stashed it in the van, along with all the important papers I always took with me everywhere I ever went. (I never considered it abnormal to have all birth certificates, titles, insurance, everything with me all the time in case I had to leave- I'd done it for years.)


I dropped him off for  work. It was dark. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't smile. I left.

I remember spending my morning online.

                 Lunch time.

I walked outside with my girl, my only girl, my beautiful daughter, My Princess. We sat down on the porch bench for me to tell her about Mommy leaving Daddy. She talked instead. I arose with a monster of strength awakened inside of me. I held her face in my hands and made a promise,
                               "You will never spend another night with that asshole again."

There wasn't ever the whisper of doubt in my head. Always believe a child. Always. Within hours, I'd packed the kids and 3 days worth of clothes, emptied the bank accounts , and drove away from everything my kids had ever known.

Just.
Like.
That.

And our lives fell into a blender, and spun around, and fell to pieces, and got chopped up. Then someone turned that blender on full speed.  In the midst of that blender we stood, my children and myself, hands held tightly with each other. In the middle of life spinning around us, with no bottom under us, we stood united one with the other.
We lost it all.

One year ago today.

One year later and I have a love for life that I've never had before. I see relationships with a new light. I've lost everything and have gained everything. Losing everything was the best thing.

I'm looking forward to writing this post next year. Looking forward to seeing what good God does with our lives.

He played a good game, but we won.