The End of One Journey Means the Beginning of Another

In the immediate aftermath of Andrew's death, I scoured the web looking for proof that I was not alone. Sure, many older people (70's +) deal with the shock of suddenly becoming a widow, but I was only 38. However, people get hit by cars every day, accidents happen, someone somewhere MUST be writing about this! I can't be the only young widow on the planet! It proved almost impossible to find someone, somewhere, anywhere, writing about their now single lives. Even when I was able to discover a blog, it was never very much. They all seemed to become abandoned.

Now I know why.

There comes a point when we all want to move on.

Sure, there in the beginning, death and the void of our spouse is all encompassing. I shared it with just about everyone. It was a massive scar that seemed  so obvious to me, and yet so invisible to the world. It is as if I belonged to a secret club and the only way to find other members, was to tell everyone and see who else admitted to being a widow as well. So, I walked through my new life telling people I was a widow. Just about everyone.

But that passed. Gradually. I became aware that I was moving on in my new life and that I was becoming less Mrs. John Doe, and more just plain old Ms. Heidi; mom to 4 and widow last. I was meeting new people- people who never had met Andrew. I was becoming autonomous. I began to keep my past where it belonged, in my past. If folk asked, I would tell them that I was a widow. It's what I still do today.

I now find myself at an odd crossroads. There is my past; behind me and in shadow, then there is my future; ahead of me and secretive. There are no curves I can see, just a slight uphill climb. Maybe there are curves on the other side, I can not tell. But I have only one direction to go- up.

So, I am saying goodbye to this blog. I am moving on. If anyone finds this little space and is new to being a widow, please feel free to contact me. I might can help, I definitely can lend an ear, and I can promise you:
It does it get better, it will get better. You aren't alone, but only you can heal through this. It's something that only you are feeling. We all lose the same person- but that person has a different relationship with every individual. So, take a deep breath, cry and cry and cry until you are empty. A week will pass, then a month, then a year. This will happen regardless of you wanting it to or not. You will move on. I promise.