~Untitled Ramblings ~

Today we learned an important lesson and set some new rules:

#1. No decisions can be made about the future of our trip when it's raining, we're driving through flat land, or my blood sugar is  low.

All three of these were in effect when I decided to poll the inhabitants of the truck about just going home.

No joke.

I even called a friend and trusted advisor to ask her opinion. I was done. Ready to throw in the towel. I'm still sick. I started with fever, aches, and chills on my birthday (May 9), then moved onto a sinus infection of sorts, and now I'm troubled with a hacking cough coupled with massive sinus drainage.  And that was before I saw the gas prices at $4/gal!!!!! WHAT????  I come from the South, ya'll. I don't pay $4/gallon for gas.  EVER.  It's insane! No wonder no one lives here!!

I'm tired, guys. Mentally worn out. And I don't know why.

When my world turned upside down and Andrew committed suicide, I made up my mind to do what I could for that day, for that moment. I learned to do what was in front of me to do- not to borrow trouble from another day in the future.  Life became a series of steps. Find a home, feed the kids, school, doctors appointments that they'd never had, the list was endless and insurmountable. But it was tackled ever day, and it dwindled, and was eventually conquered.

This trip was on that list. It was the last item . Not really, I guess. I still have to take care of myself. I have to see the doctor, get new glasses (but I rock in my glasses ya'll), yadda  yadda.

So I keep wanting to be able to write something profound at the end of each day. It ain't happening. Nothing profound. Unless,

Unless you want to talk to the 4yo the past few days. He's been opening dialog about Daddy. He's been candidly asking questions about Daddy's death in a way only the young can ask. I have an answer ready for them. I repeat it every time. It's not enough.

So tomorrow, I will make a point of sitting with him alone, and talking with him  about Daddy, and why Daddy is dead. Suicide isn't something about which we should be ashamed. I'm not. Nor do I ever lie to my kids. We've had enough lies to last 5 lifetimes. But how to explain something to a child which no adult can grasp themselves?

My solution is amazing in it's simplicity. "Daddy had an accident. It wasn't with a car, or with anything you can understand. It was so strange, that even big people don't understand it. I promise that I will tell you all about it when you're older, but not now. If I were to tell you now, you would only have more questions. So, I can only tell you that it was an accident- for now. "

It's 10:23pm and tomorrow we begin a Southernly turn back into the world of the warm.