Saturday, 11 May 2013

Last Day in Iowa

I often wonder what affect my loneliness will play on my health. Since Andrew's death, I've been sick in bed with fever about once a month, average.   I look at my skin and can see the age creep up a tad faster than before.  I have aches in my joints more often than before.  Until now, however, I've not stopped to consider how my loneliness might affect my interpersonal relationships.

You see, being a widow means that there is never any break. I have no father with whom to discuss parental issues. There is no husband who might come in at the end of a bad day to put his arms around me, and for just that moment, make the worries of the world disappear. I'm not even the "single mom" who gets a break every other weekend, or even once a year. I am singular. Ever step we take, must be led by me, no one else. I look at my children and who they will become and know that I must be the one to lead them there.

Flat tire? I better know how to change it.  Heavy things to carry? Gotta pick up at least one end while the boys struggle with the other. Truck needs oil? I'd better know what to do. Light needs changing? Me again. Every answer to every question must come from me. Every sickness, broken foot, sleepless night, bad dream, fever, special day, bumped toe, dirty laundry, play date, hanging picture, hanging shelf, every thing all of the time. It's all on me. Not a date. Not a day off. Nothing.

And I can never once lose it. I mean, they can't know that they are a burden or a nuisance, or anything more than anything less than normal.

So here we are on this journey to something more and I'm already used to always having all the burden on me. All of the responsibility is mine.

Where is there time for laughter? Where is there time for working on something other than my children all of the time? After all, they didn't chose this future for themselves and they need the best foundation that a parent can give them. Is that not the job of us all?

(I'm not purposing to be depressing here. It's just the state of things now. This is my life. My reality. It's not a life of my choosing per se, it's the life I've adopted. The alternative would have been much worse.  I was telling my friend, as we walked together today, that his death was the only path available. We never would have been free otherwise. So my widowhood is a mantle I have with pride. It was my choice to run that afternoon. And I chose the correct path. So don't feel sorry for me, please. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I allow the kids to feel self pity.)

I see two friends laughing and want so badly to take a part in that same fun. I just don't have it in me right now. I have so much going on in my head at every moment, I don't have time to stop and take part in the joke. Not now. Maybe some other day.

So I see one side to that path. It's not a pretty path. I'll give until I've given all.

What choice do I have? Get married?

Being here at ________'s house has put us in the middle of a healthy family. One of the healthiest I've ever encountered. We've watched as pleasant children do chores with joy in their heart. Been a spectator as the children obeyed the parents out of a desire to have a good relationship with mom or dad.  It's been astounding. It's been wonderful.


For the first time, I see that I am lonely. I've not really hit this depth of lonely before. I've wished to not be alone, sure, but this is different. Here I am, looking in on something so healthy and normal and realizing- not that I want it (although I do, don't get me wrong)- but that I don't have it. I don't have it. I never had it.  I return to the road with an added sense of self.

I started this trip on the same mindset I've had for months now. "I not only don't want  to remarry, I don't even need a man in my life. They're just more trouble than they're worth, will bring nothing to add to me, expect me to give to them, and leave me feeling more drained than before. I don't need one, don't want one, not looking for one." But today some sort of curtain was lifted in front of my eyes. Today I saw something that I don't have but would like to have. I see the inner workings of a solid marriage and realize the strength that gives each individual. I'm lonely for that.






(Winchester, Virginia)







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