Just Another Start to Yet Another Blog. (and there was much rejoicing)

Tomorrow is the big day.
Tomorrow we will begin.
One widow, four kids under 15, and 10 states.
Why?

I have no idea. Because I can. Because someone, a lifetime ago, told me I wasn't strong enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't capable enough to live one day without him. Yeah, well that's worked out so much differently than he planned. I am. I can. I will. (Totally channeling Stuart Smalley from SNL there.)

So, here goes? There will be no real fanfare. The truck has been packed for a week. There is no one to say goodbye. No champagne bottle against the bow of my ship. Just climb in the truck and go. Although , I have to admit, she does have a name. The Suburban's name is Barbara. While the kids think it's cute and poetical, I was completely thinking of Telly Savalas in Kelly's Heroes calling that kid "Barbara". (Google it)

Wish I could say here something about the 'bigger picture" of what we hope to achieve with this trip. I can answer with only a little background on me. I became a widow less than a year ago when, after fleeing from an abusive marriage with my children, my husband of 14 yrs killed himself. The first 6 months were spent in a blender, the following two months were spent getting our footing. And now, 9 months into life as we've never lived before, we find ourselves caught up in a need to define ourselves. Each of us, from the 4yo to the 14yo, have been told what to do, when to go, where to sit, how to dress, and what to say. For me it was a scant 14 yrs. For them? The kids? It's been a lifetime. All they've every known.  So we begin a journey to start life, not necessarily anew, but to start living for the first time ever.

This past January, the 14yo and I took part in the local Polar Bear Plunge. Standing in the freezing air, feet inches from the water (a mere 34f + the ice they throw in for effect) we were hand in hand. Along with the other hundred people around the pool, we all knew that we were about to do something epic. Maybe we wouldn't like, but we would each be different when it was over. That was momentous for the 14yo and myself. As the countdown hit zero, we jumped in, feet first, and froze. And had the time of our lives. It was scary, and cold, and crazy. It was also necessary to help purge us of the bad and face the New Year with clarity. That plunge helped me to see that I could change, even being so close to 40. (The dreaded 40 of which I've heard so much)

So tomorrow, we climb into Barbara and leave, driving off the cliff of all that was, and into the dawn of what we can become.